Are you generally restless through your days? Do you notice what your mind and body are revealing to you?
Restlessness is a scapegoat for avoiding what’s really going on. At any given moment, our conscious mind is stirring, thinking, complaining, dreaming, distracting, worrying, diminishing, avoiding. The stream is endless. And those subconscious thoughts can be relentless if you don’t get in front of them. One way we avoid and distract ourselves from looming emotions is by staying busy. Our society perpetuates the limiting belief that busyness equals worthiness. Keeping us absorbed in the minutiae of everyday life. Unfulfilled yet occupied and scatterbrained. This just feels like a cocktail for unwellness, doesn’t it?
In this post, I will be unpacking the ways that restless avoidant behaviour shows up in your mind, body and spirit. Most behaviour change isn't grand or sexy. It’s teeny tiny habits over time. It’s asking the right questions in critical moments. I hope that my rolodex of prompts crack open your window of self-inquiry. If only for a moment - it’s something.
Busy yet dazed and confused
There's an important distinction between ‘busyness’ and ‘restlessness’. You can be busy, engaged and involved in many activities while remaining conscious of your overall emotions. In contrast, you can be restless and busy but feel “discontent or dissatisfaction, [driving you] to keep looking for solutions, alternatives, or new things” (dictionary.com). Basically feeling like you're coming up empty handed, no matter how hard you try.
It's not rest. And it’s definitely not peace. Nor is it awareness.
Restlessness can feel like “busy work” but is ultimately unproductive. It can be mindless. And draining. Do you have busy days only to feel like moments were a blur, leaving you depleted and still behind on everything by nightfall? If you are saying “yep, sounds like my scene” then you might be sleepwalking.
To say I have been called “a busy-body” more than once would be an understatement. Recently this has served me well as a full-time working mom who craves creativity, a semi-active social life and a clean home. It’s a lot. To juggle it all. Indeed you do fall into a rhythm. But much like dancing there is always going to be a misstep. Eventually. An instance where you pushed too hard for too long and fell out of the groove. And unless you are consciously making the effort to be mindful and present in the thick of your busyness, you will crash hard. Real hard. When this falter happens, do you have the tools to face what has been brewing under the surface?
Don’t say I didn’t warn you about the barrage of questions.
Avoiding tough emotions
Are you afraid of being alone with yourself? Does this fear manifest into restlessness?
Restlessness is a form of avoidance. Avoidance is a symptom of fear. A fear of facing the monster (i.e. the emotions that are clawing to be acknowledged). And a fear of losing all control when you look that beast square in the eye. The ultimate conundrum. The only way to deal with fear is to see the fear but if you’re running away, you will never confront the fear.
And so you suffer.
And your suffering makes you and others suffer.
And the mere act of suffering inspires more suffering.
Soon enough, it feels like suffering is all around you.
Now all this suffering feels contagious!
If you're like me, cringing at the thought of this domino effect, I don’t want to stay on that ride. So, let’s get off.
Emotional avoidance and numbing is nothing new. It seems like everyone has a way of hiding from the ugliness of big emotions. Why you lean on certain coping strategies over others has everything to do with your upbringing, adversities, relationships and socialization. Coping mechanisms are the tools you use in stressful situations. The conscious or unconscious goal is to stay safe and bypass undesirable, painful, scary emotions. Avoidance is one of these strategies. It is the “cognitive and behavioral efforts oriented toward denying, minimizing, or otherwise avoiding dealing directly with stressful demands and is closely linked to distress and depression (Cronkite, 1995). Ultimately, using this strategy as a means to survive will often lead to long-term mental health issues.
Evading signals from your body
The jig is up. We know with scientific certainty that the mind and body are intricately connected. It’s an intimate relationship, where one is always whispering - or shouting - to the other. Pretending to be embodied but not actually being IN your body is restlessness.
What is your body telling you right now? Can you hear it talking to you?
So maybe you have become a master at compartmentalizing your emotions. A guru in putting things aside and getting the heck on with life. There is utility in this. Stuff needs to get done and it’s not practical nor recommended to have a full-blown meltdown with your boss. But constantly filing away your reactions, hurts, let downs, losses, heartbreaks for a “convenient time” is a dangerous arrangement. If you don’t commit to revisiting these storage bins of emotional baggage, they pile up into a massive stinky mess.
In his incredibly enlightening and evidence-based book, The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk confirms how pain and trauma lives in our bodies - even when we become experts at ignoring the tell-tale signs;
Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies. The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves. (Kolk, 2014)
Your story is completely unique. Trauma and pain is multifaceted. And healing looks different for everyone but universally involves getting in touch with your sensory world. It’s becoming conscious of how your body feels, touches, sees, hears, tastes the world around you. One way we avoid this embodied pain and fear is by constantly moving. Keeping busy as a way of coping. It’s a protective shield in a chaotic world. The unconscious pattern goes something like this.
I’m in pain.
Facing that pain is majorly inconvenient.
Life must move on.
If I’m physically moving forward it feels the same as growth and progress.
I’m tricking myself.
If I keep moving, the trauma can’t haunt me.
And if the trauma can’t haunt me, it can’t impact me.
I feel temporarily safe.
For the moment, at least.
So deeper and deeper it is buried. Getting stuck and sticky in your body. But using restlessness and avoidance as a means to find healing is insanity. It’s simply not possible. And the facade eventually drops quite abruptly. Often, unearthing the pain and the flood of sensations that came with it.
I'm stripping this process down to overly simplistic bare bones. But you and I both know that excavating your emotions can unravel in weird and wild ways. It impacts our relationship, our careers, our joys and our bodies. In no way should trauma and their wounds ever be minimized. But within the exploration of restlessness, it can be helpful to understand thought patterns in a linear fashion. To see the layers clearly. Identifying the specific steps that lead you to a ‘way of being’ in the world allows you to change a behaviour with clarity and consciousness. With specificity and strategy.
Moving into your body is how you heal. Feeling. Sensing. Crying. Resting. Hugging. Touching. Bonding through healthy social relationships. Honouring the physical space you take up and the sentiments it houses. You are magnetically alive. In her book, You Are a Badass, Jen Sincero proclaims;
Say nice things about your body, dress it up, and take it out. Give it hot sex, luxurious baths, and massages. Move it, stretch it, nourish it, hydrate it, pay attention to it - the better our bodies feel, the happier and more productive we are. (Sincero, 2013)
You deserve to feel good in your form. For some people, the above may feel like an ocean away. But baby steps. Maybe you will dance tomorrow. Maybe you hold a hug extra long today. Maybe you enjoy a healthy meal in silence, savouring each bite. This is being in your body. And when your body flows, so does emotional regulation.
Ignoring a creative calling
Ignoring inspiration will leave you unsettled and restless. I like to think of a creative calling as the voice of the spirit. Whatever word you want to call it, it’s a purpose that is beyond your sense of self. A force that is uniquely you. It doesn't even have to be rational. And like most art, it can feel impossible to put into words. The very act of creating is soul food. It nourishes you. And can facilitate deep emotional processing. Propel healing. Dropping you into the present moment.
Boredom is an expression of restlessness. Being idle and indifferent to your talents keeps you stuck in the cycle of avoidance. And misery. When you dismiss your creative voice, you are choosing to remain small. But you’re in luck because feeling bored can become a portal for launching into creative expression. You need to start noticing. When you feel bored, you lean into it with curiosity. A space of opportunity. You create a new habit in response to this thought pattern. You start to seek motivation in the unmotivated moments. It’s in there - sometimes you just need to dig. Sometimes you need to fake it until you make it. Believe it or not, but “really successful people feel the same lack of motivation as everyone else. The difference is that they still find a way to show up despite the feelings of boredom.” (Clear, 2018). So how do you spring into creativity in the thick of apathy?
Finding flow is the secret sauce. There is creative energy bubbling in you. Getting in the zone will allow you to release this expression of you and escape auto-pilot. An indirect way of processing hard and hidden emotions. Being in flow is described as being in a focused state where you are so involved in an activity, nothing else seems to matter. It’s intense concentration. The world melts away.
My flow is writing. It’s cathartic. I lose all sense of time. And when I stop, it feels like I’m an alien being dropped back into reality, feeling lighter and more relaxed. Literally, a better version of me. Experiencing uninhabited flow allows you to be the author of your own life. Kicks your intuitive drive into gear. Giving you back a sense of control. Within your unique expression of flow, emotions may arise; you can see them, you can label them, you can play with them, you can process them and you can let that sh*t go. Is it painting? Is it baking? Is it running? Is it fishing? Is it photography? Is it thrifting? Anything. Just keep showing up. Lean into this space of freedom, to be present. And presence is always an honest and real expression of what you're feeling.
Resting into a moment of nothingness
When was the last time you scheduled “nothingness” on your do-to list? Halting the full steam ahead vibe? I’m not talking about kicking-up and blacking out on Netflix while you habitually scroll Instagram. I’m totally guilty of this. Ever wonder why you never feel relaxed after media consumption? Because you're not creating space. I’m talking, actually sitting and doing nothing.
A pure innocent moment of stillness.
The answer for most, is probably never. The mere suggestion of this may even make you feel annoyed, edgy and agitated. Because in a world that teaches us that fast is better, we have been programmed to translate nothingness into boredom. And this couldn’t be furthest from the truth. A distorted and unhealthy perception of presence.
In order to tackle restlessness and the accompanying default habit of agitation when you’re not moving, you need to get uncomfortable. To bear witness to your story. To sit and stare at your self. And all your glory and misgivings and mistakes and joys. It can feel a bit terrifying but explosively liberating.
Can you schedule five minutes of nothingness today? Maybe you stare up at the sky. Maybe you enjoy your breath flowing in and out. Maybe you observe a piece of art. Maybe you bask in the beauty of your strong body. Be present. If you can avoid a lifetime of pain, you can grant yourself a few minutes of serenity and ease.
Connect to your body. Follow flow. Hold nothingness close. Get lost to be found.
Tell me - where do you find flow? How do you feel about the prospect of embracing “nothingness”?
Clear J. (2018). Atomic Habits: An Easy and Proven Way to Build Good Habits and Break Bad Ones.
Cronkite, R (1995). Life context, coping processes, and depression.
Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score.
Sincero J. (2013). You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life.
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