What do you need? Do you know what you really need? Knowing and expressing your needs can be extremely challenging. But with practice - it can be learned.
The art of assertiveness lives on a spectrum of communication. A way of relating to others. On one end of this sliding scale is aggression and on the other, passivity. It’s a fine balance - to stand in assertiveness with confidence and clarity. It’s also a skill. To be “assertive” is to proclaim your needs, wants and desires with conviction yet grace. The roots of being assertive are nurtured through an attitude of honesty and understanding. In this post, I will unpack the elements of assertiveness by exploring the dynamics of passivity vs. aggression and how to find harmony between the two.
Framing Assertiveness
Having your needs met or missed has a direct impact on your sense of wholeness. Of course, life is dynamic. The pendulum swings. Your loved ones, colleagues, friends and peers fulfill your needs…and also totally miss the mark. Many times over. This is the ebb and flow of life. Being able to identify your unique needs breeds autonomy and accountability over your unfolding journey. This level of self-awareness is achieved through regular introspection and reflection. Daily. And most definitely when you aren't clear on what you need in a specific circumstance. Are you taking the time to contemplate?
Often, we unwittingly respond passively or aggressively to a situation because we haven’t done the deep work to know what is subjectively needed. Improvising your reactions is risky business. Impulsive responses leave too much room for error. Missteps and clouded judgment. Thoughtfulness is the underpinning of knowing and asserting your needs and wants. Assertiveness can be defined as “the quality of being confident and not frightened to say what you want or believe” (Cambridge Dictionary, 2022). It’s an optimal communication style. And from my many life lessons, I believe that wisdom and lived experience intimately connect with the ability to BE assertive.
One way to approach the skill of assertiveness is through an empathetic lens. You can assert your needs while being fair but firm. More so, with compassionate consideration you can also be aware and acknowledge the needs/wants of others while asserting your particular needs. Akin to this understanding of assertiveness, self-determination theory proclaims;
a basic need, whether it be a physiological need or a psychological need, is an energizing state that, if satisfied, conduces toward health and well-being but, if not satisfied, contributes to pathology and ill-being. We have thus proposed that the basic needs for competence, autonomy, and relatedness must be satisfied across the life span for an individual to experience an ongoing sense of integrity and well-being. (Ryan & Deci, 2000).
From this angle, assertiveness is not just merely a communication style. It’s a form of wellness. It’s taking care of yourself. It’s owning your worthiness. Assertive communication doesn’t assume you will alway receive what you are seeking. But from the viewpoint of health and well-being, in every instance where you flex assertiveness you are building self-esteem. That’s right - confidence and courage are byproducts of using your voice when you would otherwise stay silent. Speaking your truth. The artfulness is in how you deliver this truthfulness.
Passivity: Feeling powerless
Feeling like you cannot influence or engage in your interactions is tough. For many, there is an insurmountable gap between wanting to speak up and physically feeling muted. This lack of assertiveness comes at the expense of your needs and preferences. For clarity sake, being passive is not inherently a “bad thing”. Passivity can also translate into feeling harmonious, calm and even mindful. Being in a state of peace is different from being in a state of anxiety due to not being able to express your needs. Are you bursting at the seams to share your perspective? Do you lay low when you know you should speak up? If so, you're consciously or unconsciously halting your needs from being fulfilled. The tendency to be passive could look like;
People pleasing
Saying “yes” (when you want to say “no”)
Anxiety at the idea of bringing forward your needs/ideas/perspective
Allowing others to choose for you
Being dishonest about how you’re feeling
Getting “your way” but only indirectly
Even the most confident people have been consumed by passivity in one instance or another. Sometimes I just don't have the energy or will to be assertive. But there has also been more times than I can count, where I left a situation thinking, “I wish I said something”. That feeling sucks. Sometimes uncertainty and hesitancy muffles your needs. Self-doubt is a trickster that convinces you to remain small. To stay quiet. To push on and ignore your needs. But this all catches up to you. And manifests in unhelpful states of mind such as resentment, burnout, insecurity, rage, helplessness and feeling forgotten.
It’s crucial to name how deeply rooted passive tendencies can be and how this behaviour can potentially stem from a history of trauma, violence or abuse. Unearthing why passivity may be a survival mechanism is life work and will require help. Witnessing and identifying this propensity is the first step.
Aggression: The illusion of “power”
For the record, it is SO important to express anger and frustration. You're allowed to be angry. This is a normal human emotion and suppressing anger only furthers pain and anguish. Finding appropriate mediums to feel angry IS healing. Constructive anger is about harnessing this energy in hopes to progress and improve. For the purpose of this post, I am referring to aggression as the tendency to default into a particularly combative and demanding attitude.
An aggressive approach to people is the inflated self-importance of your own needs OVER others. Expressing your ideas, feelings and opinions does not need to be a cruel endeavour. In fact, the expression of hostility or anger itself is often distracting. We lose sight of the topic. We get swept away in the heat of the moment. This is because “anger is a full-contact emotion - it activates our nervous system and can hijack our thoughts and behaviours, it can take a real toll on our mental and physical health” (Brown, 2021). Not only can anger hijack the aggressor and receiver's mind and body, but the expressed needs will not be heard nor sustained.
Taking up space and acting big in a situation doesn’t make you invincible. It actually leaves you more exposed. Aggression is a protective mechanism. When we are aggressive towards others, our underlying belief system is “I can protect myself by making you feel small”. Dominating a space is an overcompensation. A deep insecurity in your own abilities. This illusion of power can deceive yourself and even others. But it’s a front for confidence. Authentic confidence is kind. A genuinely self-assured person has no need to convince or monopolize.
SO, how do you step into your voice and assert your needs when it counts?
Just as you have the right to assert your needs - so do others. This is a central element in the skill of assertiveness. Being aware that it is a two-way street and respecting that dynamic.
Here is some ways that I have learned to lean into assertiveness and be more confident in diverse situations;
Get honest and real with yourself. Sit alone. Journal. Meditate. Chat with a therapist. Meet a friend. Whatever your flavour - it’s time to face yourself and your inner reality. No more hiding or excuse-making. Reflect on current or past circumstances when you needed to or shared something important. Where were you on the spectrum? Do you have frustrated and irritable tendencies? Do you go silent? Does fear wash over you? Owning how you process and address your ideas, wants and needs is the FIRST step in moving forward.
Start small with practicing this skill. Use your voice in settings where you feel like the ‘stakes aren't so high’. Maybe it's in a friendship where you feel safe and usually heard. Perhaps there is a colleague who you sense will receive your words with an open-mind. You can tackle this new skill through ‘bite-sized pieces’ (which is a method of goal achievement).
Be awake in your body and present in the moment. Are you responding in a trance? Are you lost in thought? Are your senses awake? Inhabiting your body - being here and now - means you can respond and react with mindfulness. Maybe you are feeling hot and enraged? Are you flooding? Getting grounded in the present moment is the only doorway to asserting your needs with clarity and confidence.
Hold empathy close while expressing your needs/wants. Empathetic listening is the secret sauce to communicating your needs clarity. It’s one thing if you feel confident in what you are saying but having the receiver really hear you is the goal at hand. Reciprocity. Are you giving space to the other person to share their needs and wants as well?
Make it simple and straightforward. You don’t need to give excuses, apologize or explain yourself. If you know what you want to say and you have been clear, you do not need to elaborate (unless you feel inclined to). It’s not your job to make people understand you. This is a tough pill to swallow because deep down - in all of our inherent humanness - we want to be liked and loved. Across the board. If you have followed the above steps, approaching the situation with genuine interest and empathic listening, you have been thoughtful. Not everyone will receive assertiveness with understanding and kindness.
Be gracious with yourself. You are always becoming. Changing your behaviour and patterns can feel overwhelming. Sometimes you want to give-up before you even begin. Leaving you feeling stuck. Next time you're feeling overly heated or squirming to speak up, take on one of these suggestions and see how it impacts your experience and mental health. You may be surprised at the outcomes.
Tell me - in what settings do you default into a passive or aggressive communication style? What positive life changes could come about if you started being more assertive and speaking to your needs/wants/ideas?
Brown, B. (2022). Atlas of the Heart.
Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being.
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