I have a confession. Sometimes I can be really defensive. It’s my ugly side. We all have an ugly side. I’m not proud of it but it’s real and it happens. This beast lashes out for battle in my most intimate relationships. Depending on the mood, I don’t back down. I can live and die by the sword. It’s a destructive impulse. Which most often doesn’t lead to anything fruitful. I know what you're thinking, and yes, even people who learn, write, preach and obsess over better communication and more mindfulness can have their bad moments. I can be a lousy communicator. And so can you. We all have our shortcomings.
In this post, I will be dissecting the nuances of defensiveness and how this corrosive behaviour needs to be contained (and released in appropriate ways) in order to flourish. In my desire to find a magical cure for my own defensiveness, a therapist once told me; “Jennifer, it’s about learning to shut up”. And let me tell you - it works! To think, being quiet could be so revolutionary but as I will explore, controlling the impulsive behaviour to defend is the crux of the problem.
Perfection can feel aspirational but it’s a lost cause
No matter how much you meditate, reflect and recognize you will always have challenging emotions. A tension between who you are and who you want to be. This is a permanent and ongoing process. To find internal harmony and alignment. So what’s the point? Why not accept the aggressive outlashing or the ‘defend/attack’ approach? Why do you need to take accountability for your defensiveness?
Well, not only is it utterly exhausting to live in a state of blaming but people are generally turned off by this trait. Especially when it’s a central feature of your personality. It’s just not appealing to spend time or engage with a person who isn’t open to listening and learning. And being close-minded will most definitely perpetuate loneliness and friendlessness. In this way, it’s well worth owning your defensive tendencies so you can have thriving relationships and connections.
Where does defensiveness come from?
Defensiveness is characterized by a general orientation away from threatening self-relevant information and a denial or minimization of negative affects such as distress, anxiety, or anger (Weinberger et al. 1979). It’s quite literally a coping mechanism. In our simplest form, we are animals. Our job is to survive. Defensiveness is an adapted way of self-preservation when we feel a perceived threat. The threat may be real or in most cases, an inflated and illusionary version of reality.
The roots of defensiveness are deep and bloom in unique ways. Meaning, defensiveness is the physical manifestation of a host of potential internal issues. For me, I have an insatiable desire to control certain elements of my life. I’m sure you experience this too. My rational brain knows that control is an illusion. My spiritual side reminds me of Buddhist teachings on impermanence. And my empathetic heart wants to prioritize connection over righteousness. BUT my relentless ego can trump all of these ways of knowing to perceive situations as a threat. Tricking me to stand guard and defend my worthiness. A need to control is often the baseline of most peoples defensiveness. And if you're a repeat offender, it can deteriorate your relationships.
Getting ahead of the impulse
You have to become conscious of something before it can change. When you act swiftly with no consideration of the outcome, you're being impulsive. This can be self-sabotaging behaviours that hinder all progress and growth. Defensiveness, blame and avoiding accountability erodes relationships with time. This is why it is so important to notice the harmful habit of reactivity.
One mindfulness technique that helps me in the area of defensiveness is internal labeling. The premise is to assign each experience a label, essentially forcing you into the present moment. You're internally saying the thoughts and/or physical sensations that pop-up. For example, your friend makes a bold statement about your personality that you don’t agree with. Mental labeling could look like this; “annoyed”, “hot”, “anxious”, “annoyed”, “listening”, “angry”, “tired”, “sad” - literally naming the experience as it is arising. Naming this stream of thought can happen rapidly or slowly. The point is the technique itself is putting SPACE between you and the reactivity.
Growth can come from moments of tension
I’m not suggesting that you always have to play nice. There's nothing wrong with disagreement. In fact, it’s how we learn. It’s how we develop critical thinking. Tossing around ideas and asserting facts is an art. And if done skillfully, arguments can be productive and enlightening. In this way, debating is not the same as being defensive. The goal of debating is not to win but to expand an understanding around something. To re-think a perspective. On the other hand, defensiveness seeks to win and can often resort to grotesque tactics to be triumphant. Gaslighting, accusing, lying, minimizing and straight-up denial are relationship killers.
On the other hand, disagreements that initiate a slight of defensiveness can be a potential pathway to stronger bonds. And only if abuse, violence and extreme aggression aren't present. Constructive disagreements can bring about awareness in how your partner or a friend perceives the situation. That can be a good thing. Once in a while. For the most part, we must override these reactions to sustain meaningful and healthy connections.
Minimizing defensiveness
Here are a few suggestions to help inspire you to be quiet OR formulate a more thoughtful response;
Identify and KNOW your triggers. If there is one thing you take away from this post, please let it be this point. What are your triggers? What sets off your alarms? What feels threatening? The “why” can come later but the “what” is the key in knowing when defensiveness is bubbling up. This is literally identifying the doorway before you set foot in reactivity land.
Stop talking and listen. I’ve said it several times now. You need to stop talking. You’re not “listening to respond”. Listen to understand. Halt the mind chatter and internal rehearsing. This is where you notice the impulse and say to yourself “not today, buddy!”.
There is no need to prove the truth. You have nothing to defend when you are genuinely confident in your identity and abilities. People will always have different versions of reality. If you choose to die in that battle, time and time again, good luck with having peaceful and fun-loving relationships.
Stop blaming and start owning your role in the exchange. Be accountable. Humility opens up your mind to seeing things through fresh eyes. We can all act foolish. Blindly defending your position because you need to be right is a sinking ship.
Space can be your best friend. If your goal is to get ahead of the impulse, take a moment or ten. I like a solid day in between noticing my defensiveness and responding to someone. And the high that you get when you find space and not react is intoxicating. I have literally said to myself “wow, I dodged that bullet”. Simply by waiting it out.
A fundamental need to be valued and included
Receiving ongoing defensiveness in a person can be a real drag. It’s demoralizing. Leaving you feeling angry, frustrated and defeated. I was recently listening to a podcast with spiritual teacher Frank Ostaseski. He said something I can’t stop thinking about.
“There is always a whole human being there… sometimes in a very distressing disguise”.
A very distressing disguise. No doubt, some people can be annoying to deal with. Especially defensive friends, family, colleagues or strangers. And like you, in many moments, they can be wearing a distressing disguise. This is a reminder that someone's reactivity and defensiveness is not yours to own. But usually involves much more than what can be seen on the surface. Let that mindset allow you to find understanding and patience for defensive personalities. And find graciousness for your own faults.
Tell me - when do you feel impulsively defensive? How does your defensiveness impact your relationships?
Weinberger, D. et al. (1979). Low-anxious, high-anxious and repressive coping styles: Psychometric patterns and behavioral responses to stress.
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