“We dream of building a fortress when we should be starting with a cottage. We fool ourselves into procrastinating by exaggerating how much time we really need. We create mental blocks by imagining our work will follow a linear progression.” (David Kadavy)
I needed the conditions to be just right. Impeccable, really. Everything had to be perfect to get started.
My life had to be aligned and on purpose.
My career had to be dazzling.
My confidence had to be soaring.
My writing had to be spellbinding.
My relationships had to be excelling.
My image had to be utterly untarnished.
I HAD to be and feel unequivocally “liberated”. This was the whole ethos of the blog, right? To BE liberated. Who was I to speak on liberation if I wasn't joyfully floating through life in sheer bliss? It was supposed to be the whole philosophical underpinning of my writing. So I waited and worked on the idea. And waited. Years dragged by…and I sat (i.e. obsessed) on this creation. Built up every component of executing the concept until it came to sharing it with the world. Every single time I felt these bursts of creative stamina, I would hit a wall - moment after moment. Year after year. “There is one way that we prevent ourselves from starting, and it’s the strongest and most dangerous force of all. It’s perfectionism.” (Kadavy, 2017).
The emotional exposure required to share my imperfect creation felt too threatening. It wasn’t until I trudged in the swamps of desperation, that this idea could really come to fruition. It finally felt certain. I had nothing to lose. It dawned on me that “worthiness doesn't have prerequisites.” (Brown, 2010)
How was this state of mind any different? It was everything opposite to what I thought the circumstances needed to be in order to matter. In order for people to care about my ideas. In order to share my not-so-perfect-writing. To finally release the fear of possible social rejection.
Perfectionism lives in us as “a complex, multidimensional characteristic that comes in different forms and has various aspects, some of which may be harmless, benign, or even adaptive whereas others are clearly maladaptive, unhealthy, and dysfunctional” (Stoeber, 2017).
Life was up and down. I questioned how others really saw me. I felt insecure about my place in the world. I shook hands with shame. I became aware of my ugly side. I felt like I had no unique offering. No rare edge. We all lose our Self many times over throughout our lifetime. It can feel minor and temporary or it can feel massive and destructive. The waves happen - the outcome depends on if you ride them or not. Vulnerability guru, Brené Brown, explains this conundrum when she proclaims;
In a world where perfectionism, pleasing, and proving are used as armor to protect our egos and our feelings, it takes a lot of courage to show up and be all in when we can’t control the outcome. (Brown, 2021)
In these surges of questioning, I would have brief tastes of quiet moments. These sweet spots of being “in-between”. Not quite desperate - not quite liberated. Just space. Clarity. A loss of constant identifying and judging and producing and posturing. Have you felt those moments of delightful presence before? They creep you when you finally stop trying to be anything in particular. When you surrender to nothingness.
Setting impeccable conditions and requirements in order to achieve a goal is a form of perfectionism. It's a security blanket in a cold world. A coping mechanism for being complacent in your own self-sabotage. My perfectionism was an excuse not to take risks. It was an active resistance to my creative calling. To only swim in the space of safety. This is merely the illusion of control.
To create is to be free. I choose to be free. I choose to be desperately liberated in one moment and the next. Existing in two realms simultaneously.
SO, here it is. The first damn post. It was a painstakingly long journey to get started. But it’s one step.
It’s not flawless.
It's not special.
It’s not perfect.
It's just something.
It’s showing up for myself. It’s cultivating authenticity over fear. It’s enjoying the journey - not the guise.
Tell me - what's your idea? What story are you spinning to halt your progress? How does perfectionism show up in your life?
Brown B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection.
Brown B. (2021). Atlas of the Heart.
Kadavy D. (2017). The Heart To Start: Stop Procrastinating & Start Creating.
Stoeber J., et al. (2017). The Psychology of Perfectionism.
Wow Jen I’m the ultimate perfect seeker not just as an Individual but in every aspect of my life and it is a crutch often used to keep from taking risks. Thank you for sharing your truth and genuine honest words really resonated with me.
Beautiful words! I caught myself nodding YES the whole time. Perfectionism takes me out of the present and into the future where all the things that I think should be perfect, will be, and then I'll have the time, the energy, the inspiration, the blah blah blah. It's exactly as you said. The waiting for more perfect conditions in order to do and be all that I want. But this is the ride, baby! Strap in because 'more perfect' isn't real. And perhaps the creations that come from us when we're in the depths of mess or chaos are actually the most beautiful of them all. - B.M.