Complaining is a form of suffering.
It's the conscious or unconscious decision to reject your current circumstances. Complaining is rooted in not having certain needs and wants met. When your environment and the people in it do not act according to your projections, you may cultivate agitation, annoyance and irritability. Our expectations and assumptions around how the world “should” operate trip us up. To complain is to “express grief, pain, or discontent [or] to make a formal accusation” (Merriam-Webster, 2022). You can become so entrenched in a lackluster despair of your world and how things are not going according “to plan”.
Let it be known - the intent of this post is not to shame or blame. I'm here to explore when complaining specifically becomes a second-nature default attitude. A habit. I will confess, I pretty much complained the whole two years of the pandemic, as I entered motherhood, tirelessly and burnt-out. I complained A LOT. Everything seemed to ignite an agitated rant. I was in survival mode and there was no space - or WILL - to get introspective about this toxic habitual reactivity. When we live in reactivity, we edge conscientiousness out.
Within any communication there is an exchange. For the purpose of this post, I will be exploring complaining through the lens of the “complainer'', the “receiver” and what you can do about this potentially chronic habit. To some extent, we all “complain” whether we do it in the confines of our own mind or frequently to any listening ear. You have certain expectations and visions for how your life should unfold.
But ‘life happens’.
You are let down.
You miss opportunities.
You witness people change.
You go through loss.
You desire more.
You get misguided.
You burn with anger.
Life can feel inconvenient. The tight grip to an idealistic vision can launch you into a space of discontent and refusal. “What would it be like if I could accept life - accept this moment - exactly as it is?” (Brach, 2010). Imagine having the cognitive ability to want change in a person or situation while simultaneously being able to find acceptance. These two elements - needing change and gaining acceptance - seem like opposing forces. But these capacities work in unison to curtail complaining and reactivity. It’s not about eliminating complaining from your psyche - it’s about how you process and reconceptualize these grievances. Reshaping your inner dialogue to create a more helpful narrative.
The Complainer: How may it serve you?
There may be some functionality to complaining. We are social creatures and communication requires that you assert, define and identity your experiences in the world. From a social sciences perspective;
complaints serve several possible purposes. People often complain to make small talk or vent frustrations, which can alleviate the detrimental effects of suppressing negative thoughts and feelings. People also complain in order to influence the perception and behavior of others. Complainers may wish to warn people about a negative experience, obtain redress or solicit sympathy and moral support. Finally, complainers may want to demonstrate refined tastes or high standards in order to communicate a desirable image. Because of complaining’s benefits - obtaining compensation, receiving sympathy, or creating a positive image - people sometimes complain even when they are satisfied" (Peter et al., 2014)
In the attempt to identify our emotions and understand how they influence our decision-making, complaining could have ‘meaning-making’ utility. But time and place matters. For example, complaining and ranting in a therapeutic setting is somewhat a requirement. If communicated in the appropriate space, letting out your frustrations can be cathartic. Even healing. Reflecting on your perceptions of reality is the only way we can dissect it and identify the illusions. So share. Rant. Complain. Be angry. Grieve! Let it pass THROUGH you. This is a form of practicing acceptance. Getting stuck in this state is the crux of the problem.
Complaining can also take the form of “venting”. Venting is the expression of dramatic and intense sharing often laced with anger. We all do it. The release of pent up emotions may feel like you’re getting ahead of these feelings but recent research in neuroplasticity shows that this may not be the case, after all. Instead of an offloading effect, venting may actually bolster negative emotions and increase their occurrence in your thinking patterns.
You can think of our brain circuitry like hiking trails. The ones that get a lot of traffic get smoother and wider, with brush stomped down and pushed back. The neural pathways that sit fallow grow over, becoming less likely to be used. Kindergarten teachers are thus spot on when they say, “The thoughts you water are the ones that grow.” This is also true for emotions, like resentment, and the ways we respond to them, like venting. The more we vent, the more likely we are to vent in the future. (Cornwall, 2022)
With the desire to move towards a life that is less stressful and more joy inducing, it's wise to start routinely reframing how you view the situations that arise. In reflecting on your inner dialogue, ask yourself; is the plot of my personal narrative centered on victory or victimhood?
The Receiver: How can you support?
Complaining can be contagious. If you’re anything like me, you get easily sucked into the drama of naysaying. This particular behaviour is rooted in my yearning to connect with people and make them feel validated. I want others to feel acknowledged. Even empowered. But the forum of discontent and grumbling may not be the most fitting arena for this application. Remember, time and place matters. So how can you support the people in your life who seem to be caught up in the whirlwind of their narrative?
Listen.
You can simply listen.
And once you think you're really nailing this listening “business”… listen a little more.
If you are attempting to get ahead of a runaway train, you don’t jump on and demand to go faster. We know that complaining 'loves company' as well as quite literally reinforces this begrudging behaviour via connections in your brain. We also know that you can’t control people and how they perceive the world. This would mean that being able to truly support someone moving through the waves of their discontent requires humility and kindness. This approach to the human dynamic is so eloquently described by zen master Thich Nhat Hanh, when he explains that;
You have to take the time to look and see the suffering in the other person.
You must be prepared. Deep listening has only one purpose: to help others suffer less. Even if the person says wrong things, expresses bitterness, or blames, continue to listen compassionately for as long as you can. (2013)
He also acknowledges that we don’t always have the ability, capacity or even desire to deeply listen to someone. And that's OK too. In those instances, you can communicate your needs and abilities. If you're not prepared to deeply listen, without defense and rebuttal (which often exacerbates complaining), then take your space and revisit the situation if appropriate. Providing feedback may also be part of this process. But sometimes “support” can look like time and space between people.
SO, how do you find acceptance (not complacency) for the causes of your relentless complaining?
To accept a situation is to acknowledge the details of reality. This does not mean being complacent to circumstances that are demeaning, traumatizing or even violent. What I'm referring to is minimizing mind chatter and verbal communication that echoes skewed storytelling and embellishment. Acceptance - from this point of view - is an internal process that allows you to consciously assess the context and digest the facts of the matter. To accept something ‘as it is’ is not to imply automatic happiness or satisfaction with a given situation. It means you understand what's going on and how to move forward.
Here is how you can get ahead of automatic complaining;
COMMIT to thinking about instances of complaining and how it may show up in your life. Maybe you read an article, journal about it, chat with a friend or merely start to entertain an interest in this particular thought pattern.
NOTICE the moments when resistance bubbles up. Building awareness and creating space between the stream of thoughts is quite literally a skill. You're attempting to LEAP out of your habitual thinking patterns to have a breather before reactivity kicks-in.
INVESTIGATE your triggers when complaining crops up. What environments make you feel resistant and frustrated? Maybe it’s a particular person? What types of actions and behaviours throw you into complaining? Why are you SO annoyed? Agitated? Pissed? Down right sick and tired? Is there a pattern appearing?
ALTER THE DIRECTION of your thought and speech. This is where actual progress is made. It’s nice to notice and identify, but if you aren't working towards consciously changing the way you see the world, then you'll continue on the hamster wheel. Here is where you start to take accountability. Sure, there will be jerks and ignorance everywhere but these situations should not take up a good chunk of realestate in your mind and time. Practice switching gears - you're about to vent to a friend for the 20th time but you decide not to and change the topic. This is practice in action.
In all honesty, if I read this article one year ago in the THICK of my general annoyance with everyone and everything, I would have called “bullshit”. I get it. It takes conscious effort and literal work. A certain mindset. It requires busting out of your repetitive stream of thought. It means you need to do something different. So if you're reading this and thinking the same thing - I see you. No judgment. Everything has its season. I’ll just leave you with this reflection; how is the complaining working out for you? Is it helping the situation? Is it moving you closer to your dream life? Does it genuinely cultivate peace of mind? If not, push - force - yourself to start noticing and taking ownership of your mind games. It’s a task but you can handle it.
Tell me - how much emotional territory does complaining and grievances take up in your days? What scenarios launch you into complaining mode?
Brach, T. Radical Acceptance.
Cornwall, G. (2022). Stop Venting! It Doesn't Work.
Hanh, T. (2013). The Art of Communicating.
McGraw, A. et al. (2014). Humorous Complaining.
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